What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I’d use my best pan on you.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]