Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Selfie
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.