local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes