[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The funk soul brother
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming