* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Bloody internet 😳
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
They’re the worst 😩
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.