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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.