It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
You Might Also Like
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.