as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Uh oh…
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Erm…
sistine chapel
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
there’s probably a fee though
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Holy shit he’s back
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30