Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.