SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.