“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*