I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*