In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
You Might Also Like
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Beware of fowl play.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying