Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Choose your fighter
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Greeting humans vs their dogs
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
This is I, Robot all over again
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’