Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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Thursday Thought.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Omg 🤣
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.