I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
How to find Kentucky on a map
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.