My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.