Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
cause of death:
autopsy.