7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
what kind of cook setting is this??
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.