I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Best spoiler warning ever
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
No laws when master is gone
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.