People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Writing, She Murdered.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.