I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Webb. James Webb.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.