Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.