an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.