Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*