OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.