“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Lol.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*