[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
😂😂😂
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.