me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
A choir of Spring onions
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.