Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
You Might Also Like
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.