Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
You Might Also Like
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My guardian angel deserves a raise
We found love in a hopeless place.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Get in loser we’re going crying
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea