Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
You look like you would fail a DNA test
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs