Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Smile they said.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?