My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
🍞🦆
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’