Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…