I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.