WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
getting groceries
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Hmmmmm
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other