Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Free him
damn he’s good
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off