Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
You Might Also Like
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Just a friendly reminder!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.