We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.