I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
You Might Also Like
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex