Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
BETRAYAL
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Every damn time
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.