the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable