Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.