Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Cucumbers Anonymous
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.