Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The biggest mystery of our time
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.