God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out