Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Wait, let me explain..”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no