“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
🤣
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳