Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth